0205: Attachment in the Classroom
CREATING SECURE LEARNING SPACES FOR INSECURE STUDENTS
with Melissa Hyder, MA, LBS1
[Intro Music]
EDEN:
This is Inside Out.
Hey everyone—I'm Eden Hyder, a licensed therapist, psychology teacher, and proud mom of two.
I’m here to help us all press pause, so we can re-engage with what matters most: ourselves, our relationships, and our kids—from the inside out.
For more on relationships, parenting, and mental health between episodes, come hang out on Instagram or find me at edenhyder.com.
Welcome to Season Two. This season, I’m sharing a series of honest, insightful conversations with professionals from different fields—each one looking at how attachment shows up in all corners of life.
In today’s episode, I’m joined by school counselor and educator Melissa Hyder—who also happens to be my sister-in-law. We talk about how different attachment styles show up in students, and how teachers can respond in ways that support connection, regulation, and real learning.
Whether you’re an educator, a parent, or someone who remembers your own school days vividly, this episode offers a lens that’s both compassionate and practical. Let’s jump in.
EDEN:
Welcome, Melissa. I'm really glad you’re here. I feel like this episode has been a long time coming—born out of a few good conversations over family vacations and dinner tables.
MELISSA:
Yes—finally!
EDEN:
For anyone listening, Melissa is my sister-in-law. We’re both married to twin brothers. That’s a whole other podcast episode!
But I’m really excited we’re finally recording this. Can you tell our listeners a little about who you are and the perspective you're bringing today?
MELISSA:
Sure! I’m Melissa Hyder. I'm a certified teacher, a licensed school counselor, and I also have a background in special education.
EDEN:
And a mom of three amazing kids.
MELISSA:
Yes—can’t forget that part.
EDEN:
You became a mom before I did, and I remember watching you and thinking, “Wow—she’s so loving, so present, and somehow still structured and boundaried in the right moments.”
I was taking mental notes like, I need to write this down!
Even now, as your kids are older, I still find it helpful to hear your thoughts and reflections. I don’t know if I’ve ever told you that out loud.
MELISSA:
Aw, thank you.
EDEN:
You were actually the one who first brought up this connection between attachment and school settings. I think we were in the mountains, and you asked me, “Have you ever thought about how attachment plays out in schools?”
And I was like—no… tell me more.
MELISSA:
[Laughs] Yes! I just love the way your podcast was unfolding—little bite-sized pieces of attachment theory. I started sending episodes to my teacher friends, saying, you’ve got to listen to this—it’s so accessible and clear.
But as I listened, I kept thinking, This is what I see every day. This is what I think about all the time—with my students, with my colleagues. Attachment shows up everywhere in school settings.
EDEN:
That’s exactly what I want to dig into today. I want to hear what you’ve noticed and learned from your work.
Because when I think about bringing attachment theory into schools, I imagine some teachers might push back. Like—We already do so much. Now we’re also supposed to be their emotional anchor? Their co-regulator? Their attachment figure?
That’s a lot to carry.
Have you ever run into that kind of response?
MELISSA:
In my experience, schools might not use that exact language, but most educators already feel it.
They know that for many students, we are the stable adult in their day. Kids are with their teachers almost as much as—or more than—they’re with their parents.
MELISSA:
Yeah, school takes up a significant part of a child’s day—sometimes more than time spent at home with their parents. And even if educators aren’t always thinking in terms of “attachment,” they know this: a child cannot learn if they’re hungry. They can’t learn if they feel unsafe.
So much of what we do in schools already aligns with attachment principles—we just don’t always name it that way.
Of course, how we address those needs can feel daunting. There are a lot of things teachers can’t control. But there’s also a lot they can.
We may not know what a child’s morning looked like. We don’t always know what their weekend held, or what kind of environment they’re walking in from. But when they step into our classrooms, the question becomes:
What can we control while they’re here?
What can we provide that gives them the best shot at learning?
Because ultimately, that’s the goal—learning. And we know that happens best when kids feel safe.
EDEN:
Yes—and even if a teacher or administrator isn’t thinking about it in a psychological way, I think we all intuitively get that. In some ways, the school itself becomes a kind of attachment figure. It’s the consistency, the familiarity, the stability.
And when you say the goal is learning—that sparks my attachment brain. Because “safe enough to learn” is really a profound concept. That safety piece is at the core of what it means to be securely attached.
And just to zoom out a bit—before we dive into different styles—when we talk about attachment styles, we’re not trying to box students in or give them a permanent label. It’s less about diagnosing a child and more about noticing patterns that can help us respond more effectively.
MELISSA:
Exactly. I don’t think it’s always helpful—or even possible—to assign a specific “style” to a student. But the patterns of behavior can still give us useful clues.
When we notice how a student tends to respond in moments of stress or change, we can start asking, What would help this student feel safer? What does this child need in order to access learning and connection more fully?
And if thinking in terms of “attachment styles” helps with that, great. If it doesn’t—or if it gets in the way—we can drop it. It’s just a tool.
EDEN:
Yes, that’s such a helpful way to frame it—use the framework if it serves the child. If not, move on. So with that in mind, let’s talk about what a more securely attached student might look like in a classroom.
What have you observed in those students—the ones who come to school already feeling relatively safe?
MELISSA:
Those students tend to transition calmly. If there’s a schedule change, they can go with the flow. They’re okay not knowing everything ahead of time. They’re curious and open to learning new things—they don’t find that threatening.
They tend to be resilient. If they make a mistake, they can handle it. They don’t spiral or shut down. They can say “oops” and move on.
And you see it in their peer relationships too. They’re patient. They know their turn will come. They don’t panic or push for control.
EDEN:
So you’re observing flexibility, resilience, curiosity, trust—all qualities that reflect inner safety.
MELISSA:
Yes. And in their relationships with teachers, there’s a kind of ease. They believe they’re cared for. They’re not constantly vying for attention. They give hugs, they make friendly eye contact, they’ll engage with not just their main teacher, but others in the school too.
There’s a felt sense of connection and belonging—and you can see that in the way they move through the day.
EDEN:
I love that you said they have a belief that they matter. That’s what allows them to be present. That belief is the root of their sense of safety.
Because for kids with insecure attachment patterns, that belief gets shaky. The avoidant student might push away connection, because needing someone feels risky. The ambivalent student might cling, unsure if the adult will actually stay close or be consistent.
So this foundational belief—that I matter here—is what allows kids to take healthy emotional risks, explore, make mistakes, and actually learn.
Anything else that stands out to you about securely attached students?
EDEN:
There’s this underlying sense with securely attached kids that the world is trustworthy. That they’re going to be taken care of, that things are generally safe.
MELISSA:
Absolutely. That belief—that they can trust the space they're in—really guides how they show up.
EDEN:
So let’s shift into the moments that make you pause as a counselor. When you’re noticing behavior—or even more subtle cues—that suggest a student may be feeling unsafe or insecure… what flags start to go up for you? What do you start to notice?
MELISSA:
In my role as a school counselor, I typically get called in when a student is having trouble getting through the day—when learning is being interrupted, and the usual strategies aren’t working anymore.
That can show up in all kinds of ways. For some kids, it’s during a hard task—like writing or spelling. You’ll start to see avoidance behaviors: asking to go to the bathroom, getting out of their seat, needing a tissue, putting their head down, or getting tearful.
And I work primarily with younger students, so those are common. But those same patterns often carry into older grades too—just with different packaging.
EDEN:
Right. It could still look like putting your head down, or it could go in two different directions depending on the style—like, maybe one kid is suddenly extra needy, needing you right next to them, while another completely shuts down and refuses help.
MELISSA:
Exactly. One child may get out of their seat ten times to ask for help because they’re unsure they can do it on their own. Another may barely engage or act like they don’t care.
And transitions are a big one. Even something simple, like getting ready to switch activities or leave the classroom, can spike behaviors in students who struggle with regulation or attachment.
EDEN:
Some of those behaviors are so subtle. Do you think most teachers pick up on them?
MELISSA:
It depends on the teacher’s experience and training.
A lot of schools have shifted toward more trauma-informed approaches—and while they might not use the term "attachment," they’re building awareness of the same core ideas.
So even if it’s not framed as “insecure attachment,” a trauma-informed teacher might notice: I’m having trouble getting through this lesson. Or, I’ve needed extra support from a teaching assistant today.
That’s often the first clue—when a student’s emotional needs are starting to interfere with the learning environment.
EDEN:
And your goal in that moment is: How do we keep this student in the classroom? Not send them out, but support them right where they are.
MELISSA:
Exactly. My first step is to ask the teacher, What Tier 1 supports are already in place?
Tier 1 strategies are things that help every student, but especially those with insecure attachment. I’ll ask, Do you feel connected to this student? Because connection is foundational.
If a student is feeling disconnected, unseen, or like they don’t belong, we’re going to see that show up in behavior.
EDEN:
Yes. And it's not just are you delighting in the student, but do they feel delighted in? Do they feel seen in the moment they’re struggling?
MELISSA:
Exactly. So I’ll encourage teachers to build in those moments of connection. One strategy we recommend is greeting each student individually—standing outside your door, making eye contact, offering a high five—something that says, I see you.
And ideally, it’s not connected to a task or demand. Just connection for connection’s sake.
EDEN:
It’s kind of like parenting, right? Like—“I need you to do this thing,” but the relationship still has to be the ground we’re standing on.
MELISSA:
Yes! And right now, in my program, we’re focusing deeply on one core strategy: the 5-to-1 ratio. Five positive interactions for every one correction or redirection.
Even when we think we’re being positive, it’s worth slowing down and asking: Am I offering that ratio to all of my students—especially the one getting out of their chair 7,000 times?
Are they experiencing warmth and connection outside of correction?
Because if not, even a well-meaning teacher might be reinforcing disconnection.
And of course—some behaviors can be triggering for teachers. That’s real too.
EDEN:
I find that conversation so fascinating—especially as an educator myself—just noticing how our own attachment stories and triggers can show up in the classroom. There’s often something about a specific student that’s activating something in us.
Maybe we weren’t allowed to get out of our seat 7,000 times. And so when a student does that, it stirs something. There’s frustration—and that can impact the dynamic between teacher and student.
MELISSA:
Exactly. And that dynamic—if we’re not aware of it—can end up reinforcing the child’s attachment pattern.
The very thing they learned from their early caregivers—their strategy for getting connection or protecting themselves—can start playing out again in the classroom. And if we, as educators, aren’t tuned into our own stuff, we can end up co-creating that dynamic without realizing it.
EDEN:
Yes. Teachers are human. Just like parents, we have good days and bad days. Days when we’re apologizing to our own kids. And then there are days where we can’t access that reflective space because we’re stressed, tired, or overwhelmed.
I can only imagine how that plays out with a room full of twenty-five kids—especially when one student is requiring so much more.
MELISSA:
That’s what I hear most often from teachers:
“I have an entire class, and this one student is needing more than I feel like I can give.”
That tension is real. The needs can feel overwhelming.
EDEN:
Right. So how do you support the teacher and the student in those moments?
MELISSA:
That’s where I lean on systems. My role as a school counselor is to look at the classroom as a whole and ask: What structures can we put in place that support everyone, but especially the kids who need more?
It’s really hard to respond well in the heat of a moment, especially when a student is in distress. So we focus on being preventative.
What can we do ahead of time to reduce the likelihood of emotional escalations?
What can we build into the day that allows kids to regulate, to feel seen, and to return to learning?
EDEN:
So it’s not just reacting in the moment—it’s designing for support.
MELISSA:
Exactly. In our program, we have calming centers in every classroom. But we don’t just have the space—we explicitly teach kids how to use it.
We show them when to use it, what to do when they’re there, and how to return to class when they’re ready. It allows for regulation without derailing the entire room.
Every classroom also has a visual schedule. So when something unexpected happens—like a guest speaker or a change in routine—we can prepare students ahead of time. They move a marker throughout the day to track where they are. It reduces anxiety because they know what to expect.
And we do these things not just for the students with big behaviors. These systems benefit everyone.
EDEN:
You're also thinking about basic needs, right?
MELISSA:
Yes. We look at the whole child. Are they hungry? Tired? Are their physical needs met?
Even in our private school setting, where we don’t have free and reduced lunch, we’ve set up a food pantry. Because we were seeing emotional breakdowns happening mid-morning—and it turned out, kids were just hungry.
So we go back to the basics. Food, sleep, clothing, safety. And we work to create systems that reduce the need for crisis-level intervention.
EDEN:
I read an article recently that said schools are focusing “too much” on feelings. That there’s too much attention on emotions. I’m curious—what’s your take on that? Especially when you're putting these emotional support systems in place?
MELISSA:
I think it absolutely improves learning outcomes.
A child who doesn’t feel seen or loved is not going to learn. The feelings they carry don’t just go away—they show up. They disrupt. And when a child is emotionally dysregulated, their brain isn’t in a place to process new information.
So sure, we can say, “we’re too focused on emotions”—but the truth is, we are emotional beings. That’s just neuroscience.
But that doesn’t mean we let kids leave the classroom every time something is hard. We build strategies. We give choices. We teach them how to stay present, even when it’s uncomfortable.
EDEN:
And that requires skills. Skills we can’t just expect a first grader to have.
MELISSA:
Exactly. That’s why we have a structured, explicit social-emotional learning curriculum. It teaches things like self-talk, how to face challenges, how to bounce back from failure.
We do weekly lessons, and I get to push into classrooms to teach those. In larger schools, that’s often the teacher’s role—but for us, it’s a collaborative effort.
And we’re not assuming kids know how to self-regulate. We teach it—over and over again.
Especially for students with insecure attachment, those skills need to be explicitly taught.
EDEN:
That word—explicit—you’ve said it a few times. And it makes so much sense. Because the opposite would be expecting kids to incidentally learn emotional skills—like mimicking what they see.
MELISSA:
Exactly. And not all kids are in environments where those skills are modeled.
I think of my own child. I didn’t know what to do with my big feelings when I was little. So now, we teach directly. We repeat, we practice, we make it part of the daily rhythm.
And visuals are key here too. They cross all learning styles and all kinds of neurodiversity. If I tell a student the plan, they might forget. But in a moment of emotional overwhelm, when the prefrontal cortex is offline, a visual schedule can anchor them.
It’s calming. It offers predictability. And it’s efficient.
We’re always asking, What’s the biggest impact we can make with the smallest change?
Because our teachers are stretched thin. But something like a visual schedule, or a visual timer—that’s a small change with a huge payoff, especially for kids with anxiety or executive functioning challenges.
It shows them: This task has an end. You can do this.
EDEN:
There’s this kind of “sticky” layer to it all—right? Because these strategies, while simple, cast a wide net. They’re low-effort additions to a classroom, but they have big impact.
MELISSA:
Exactly. They’re small shifts that meet a broad spectrum of needs.
EDEN:
So let’s talk about how these tools work for different attachment patterns. For example, a child with an avoidant strategy—someone who tends to rely on themselves, who’s focused on task completion more than connection.
That student might avoid engaging with the teacher or even their peers, because those relationships bring more anxiety than comfort. They’d rather do the work than risk needing someone. But something like a visual schedule—especially for a pre-reading child—gives them a sense of structure and predictability without needing to ask for help. That lowers anxiety without requiring vulnerability.
MELISSA:
Totally.
EDEN:
Now think about a student with an ambivalent pattern—who may struggle to separate, stay close to the teacher, play the helper role, or act like the mini-teacher in the classroom.
A task that requires independent focus might spike anxiety for them, because it puts distance between them and the teacher. But if you use a visual timer—“We’re going to do this for five minutes”—that creates a sense of containment.
The student knows: this is a finite challenge. It’s a little like a kid looking back and forth between the playground and their parent. I’m going to explore, but I’m still tethered. That felt tethering reduces anxiety.
MELISSA:
Yes—and what’s so powerful is that one strategy, like a visual timer, can serve students with both patterns. It gives independence and predictability. It meets multiple needs in one move.
EDEN:
As anxiety goes down, the student’s sense of safety goes up. And that opens the door to learning—because their nervous system is shifting out of fight-or-flight and back into that prefrontal cortex, where higher-order thinking can happen.
MELISSA:
Exactly.
EDEN:
How do you handle the question—when is it trauma or attachment-based, and when is it a learning disability? How do you hold that uncertainty and start to discern what’s what?
MELISSA:
That is one of the hardest—and most important—questions. Especially with young students, it can be tricky.
What we hope for is that when we meet a student’s basic needs—things like food, sleep, connection—we’ll see a shift in their behavior and ability to learn. If a child is coming to school hungry every day, we’re going to see the behavioral fallout.
So first, we meet the needs. Then we observe patterns over time.
EDEN:
You’re tracking it across time, rather than jumping to conclusions.
MELISSA:
Yes. We collect data, we watch how the student responds to different supports, and we target specific behaviors with interventions.
Most schools use a tiered system of support: Tier 1, Tier 2, and Tier 3.
Tier 1 strategies are universal—things like visual timers or schedules that benefit everyone.
Then you have that 20% of students who need Tier 2—more targeted interventions, more support or time.
If a student is still struggling despite Tier 1 and Tier 2 supports, we move to Tier 3—more individualized, intensive interventions.
The key is data over time. If a student continues to underperform or shows consistent dysregulation that impacts their learning, even with support in place, that’s when we start asking deeper questions.
Sometimes we bring in evaluations—because while trauma and attachment struggles can mimic learning challenges, we want to be sure we’re not missing a learning disability.
EDEN:
So you're looking for: does support help? And if not, what else might be going on?
MELISSA:
Right. And ideally, even if a child does need Tier 3 or special education services, the goal is to give them what they need now, with the hope that over time, as regulation and confidence improve, they’ll be able to access learning more independently.
EDEN:
The goal, of course, is not to keep a student at that high level of support forever. The idea is to provide what they need now, so they can build the skills and confidence to grow out of it.
But I imagine that gets more complex with older students—especially those who’ve internalized messages around failure or struggle. If learning has always felt hard, there may be more to untangle.
MELISSA:
Absolutely. That’s why having a strong, preventative and holistic program matters so much. If we’re doing Tier 1 interventions well—meeting basic needs, fostering connection, explicitly teaching regulation skills—then even students with insecure attachment styles often thrive without needing more intensive support.
EDEN:
So when you say Tier 1, are you talking about qualities you want a student to develop, or is that a specific set of strategies?
MELISSA:
Tier 1 refers to universal strategies—interventions that are put in place for all students across the school or classroom. Things like visual schedules, visual timers, morning greetings, calming corners, and social-emotional lessons. They benefit everyone, but they’re especially powerful for kids with insecure attachment.
EDEN:
So things that are just built into the school day by design.
MELISSA:
Exactly. Tier 2 and Tier 3 are more targeted. Tier 2 supports that extra 15–20% of kids who need a little more. That could be additional small group instruction, check-ins, or time with a counselor.
Tier 3 is for the roughly 5% of students who need individualized interventions—those are the kids who might qualify for an IEP or 504 Plan. These documents outline the specific supports and accommodations that help a student be successful, whether it’s related to learning, behavior, or emotional regulation.
EDEN:
And even for Tier 3 kids, the goal is still growth and progress—supporting them to a place where maybe they move back into Tier 2 or even Tier 1 over time?
MELISSA:
Yes, ideally. An IEP is goal-driven. The intention is always to help students meet those goals and hopefully, increase independence and resilience along the way.
But for some kids—especially those with long-term diagnoses or significant needs—that support may need to continue. And that’s okay too. That’s their right.
EDEN:
And then for the students who don’t have a diagnosis, but whose behavior might mimic ADHD, or trauma, or even a learning challenge—if you have strong Tier 1 and Tier 2 systems in place, they may not need to escalate to Tier 3?
MELISSA:
Exactly. A well-designed, emotionally supportive classroom can often meet those needs early—before they become disruptive or chronic.
EDEN:
The big takeaway I’m hearing from you is data over time. Don’t react to one behavior, or one difficult day, and make a big leap. Step back. Watch. Observe patterns.
MELISSA:
Yes—especially when you’re partnering with families. It’s not uncommon for a parent to call in, concerned about something that happened, and understandably want answers right away.
But we always try to say: Let’s collect data. Let’s see if there’s a pattern.
Like, I had a student once who was having emotional outbursts every day between 1:00 and 1:30. And so we started asking—what’s happening during that window? What’s triggering it?
It’s that steady observation that helps us understand what’s really going on—so we can respond in a way that actually supports the student.
MELISSA:
In that particular case, we discovered the student just needed a little more time in the bathroom—she was feeling rushed, and it was creating stress.
That’s the kind of thing you don’t always catch unless you’re paying attention to the changes. Yes, we look for patterns, but we also look for shifts. When a child who’s been doing fine suddenly shows new behaviors, that’s a flag—something’s shifted, and we need to get curious about what.
EDEN:
Yes, it’s data over time, but also data over change. You’re watching for both consistency and disruption.
And I’m also hearing that for a lot of kids, particularly those with insecure attachment or circumstantial challenges, Tier 1 and Tier 2 supports are often enough—especially when they’re done well.
But for students with a diagnosable learning disability—or another more concrete, ongoing challenge—those behaviors may persist, and a more individualized plan becomes necessary.
MELISSA:
Exactly. For those students, a Tier 3 plan—like an IEP or 504—may be what’s needed to support their learning and emotional success in the long run.
But the hope is still growth. Even in Tier 3, the goal is for a student to build the confidence and tools they need so that over time, that intensity of support might lessen.
EDEN:
Right. And even if that higher level of support continues, it’s still tailored, still goal-based.
MELISSA:
Yes—and Tier 3 often includes students with a wide range of diagnoses, not just learning disabilities. It could include emotional regulation challenges, ADHD, autism, anxiety.
Whatever the need is, we use those plans to put specific accommodations in place. And yes, some students may always need those accommodations. But for many, with strong Tier 1 and 2 systems, we can support them without needing to escalate all the way to Tier 3.
EDEN:
And it sounds like part of your job is helping families understand that it’s not about one event or one bad day—it’s about watching for patterns.
MELISSA:
Absolutely. Sometimes families will call in after a difficult day, understandably worried or frustrated. But our job is to slow down and ask: Is this part of a pattern? Is this new? Is it consistent?
I had a student, for example, who kept having emotional outbursts—always between 1:00 and 1:30. Once we noticed that, we could zoom in: What’s happening during that time block? What’s the context?
That’s what observation and curiosity allow us to do.
EDEN:
That curiosity is key—especially for teachers who are feeling discouraged or overwhelmed by behaviors in the classroom.
Because some behaviors—especially with disorganized attachment—can feel particularly rejecting or even aggressive. Those push-pull dynamics, where a student wants closeness but can’t tolerate it, are really challenging.
MELISSA:
Yes. It’s hard when a child clearly wants to connect with you, but their behavior makes it almost impossible. That’s disorganized attachment at work—and it can feel personal, especially when you’re doing your best to show up with care.
That’s why I think it's so important for educators to know: You’re not going to get it right all the time.
You’ll have good days and bad days. You’ll mess up, just like we all do as parents. The work is to keep showing up and, when possible, to work on stepping into your own secure attachment.
EDEN:
Yes—because that’s the cycle we can interrupt. That stuck feeling—“This child always triggers me. I keep reacting the same way.” That’s where our own healing work comes in.
MELISSA:
And what I love about using attachment language—versus just saying “trauma”—is that it helps take the shame out of the behavior. It's not that this child is bad. It's that their brain and body are doing what they've learned to do.
And it’s the same for us. When we get triggered, when we react—those are patterns, too. And if we can be curious instead of ashamed, there’s room for growth.
EDEN:
Yes. I always come back to that word: curiosity. It’s not judgmental, it’s not urgent. It’s open.
Curiosity says: What’s happening here?
Not What’s wrong with this student? Or What’s wrong with me?
It’s just: Let me gather more information.
MELISSA:
Exactly. And I always encourage our teachers—look at your own data. Notice when you’re spiraling or feeling reactive. That’s not something to feel ashamed of. It’s an invitation.
What is it about this student or behavior that’s hitting something in me?
Because that’s often where the work begins—not just for the student, but for us too.
EDEN:
Yes. Those repeated emotional reactions—where a particular student hits the same nerve over and over—can be a cue. Not a red flag, but a curiosity flag.
Something in me is being stirred up. Let me explore that.
MELISSA:
And that’s the work—creating a classroom where students feel safe and connected, and where teachers feel empowered and supported, too.
Because at the end of the day, we can’t control everything our students come in with—but we can control how we respond, the environment we create, and the work we’re doing on ourselves.
MELISSA:
One thing that’s helped me in understanding avoidant attachment is realizing how easily those kids can feel flooded or overwhelmed—especially by emotional intensity or proximity. I once heard someone say, “You have to microdose an avoidant kid with connection.”
They’re not going to dive in. So if you see that pattern, it’s a cue to shift your approach. Because not everyone is going to feel loved or connected in the same way. That’s where that “one-size-fits-all” universal strategy might fall short. We have to be willing to adapt.
EDEN:
Yes—and we bring our attachment style to the classroom, too. As teachers or parents, we might approach a child through the lens of our wiring rather than theirs.
So if I’m someone who seeks connection when things get hard, and I go up to a student with avoidant tendencies and say, “Let’s talk about our feelings,” eye-to-eye—they might shut down completely. That flooding can look like ignoring me, storming out of the classroom, or getting angry.
MELISSA:
Exactly. And that’s where the real skill comes in—being able to interpret behavior as communication, rather than reacting to it as defiance or disrespect.
I had a student who couldn’t handle losing—at all. Even in something like Freeze Tag. If she was “it” and couldn’t tag everyone, she would spiral into sobbing, saying she’d never be fast enough, never good enough.
Now, I could take her to the calm-down corner. We could talk about feelings. But this student already knows her feelings—she can name them beautifully. She’ll tell you: “I’m jealous.” “I’m disappointed.” “I’m mad.”
So instead, I hold her hand, and we walk. She’s stomping her foot the whole way, but she’s walking. And holding my hand. And that’s enough. That’s regulation.
EDEN:
That example is so powerful. Because sometimes the work isn’t about “fixing” the emotion—it’s about staying with the child through it.
MELISSA:
Exactly. And when people say we’re being “too emotion-focused” in schools, I don’t see it that way. To me, it’s not about over-focusing on feelings—it’s about meeting needs.
Sometimes a student can’t process anything verbally. They’re not in a place to hear logic or soothing. But if we can offer presence—calm, attuned, non-verbal support—that makes all the difference.
EDEN:
It’s about having tools—and knowing when to use them.
MELISSA:
Yes. Teachers don’t need to know everything. But I do think about it like a toolbelt: what can I try? What usually works for a child who’s escalated?
There’s great training available on de-escalation, and a lot of effective strategies grounded in mindfulness, breathwork, and emotional awareness. And the reality is, most behaviors can be de-escalated with consistent, simple tools.
But the real work is asking: What’s the function of this behavior? What is this child trying to tell me? And being willing to experiment, adapt, and stay curious.
EDEN:
That’s such a grounded place to end—curiosity, not control. Thank you, Melissa. I’m so glad we finally got this conversation on the books.
MELISSA:
Me too. Thanks for having me.
EDEN (Outro):
Thanks for joining today’s episode of Inside Out. For extras from this season, follow me on Instagram @edenhyder, or visit edenhyder.com.
And if this episode resonated with you, be sure to subscribe, share it with a fellow teacher or parent, and leave a review.
See you next time.
